Today is a big day for Hubby and I: it’s the day we finally get to take a peek and see the babe growing in my belly!

Today I’m 19 weeks, 1 day pregnant (almost halfway there!) and it’s also the day that we have our ultrasound to make sure that the baby is developing normally thus far.  We’re beyond excited.  The last ultrasound that we had (when I was 9 weeks, 1 day pregnant) showed us a picture of our baby, which looked like a little peanut at the time.  This time, however, it will actually look like a baby – our baby!

There has, however, been a great debate leading up to this day: do we find out the gender now – or keep it as a surprise?

I’ve weighed the pros and cons of finding out now vs. waiting another 21 (ish) weeks.  The logical part of my brain agrees that it just makes sense to find out now.  Why wouldn’t we?  We can start shopping for gender-specific clothes (I really HATE yellow and green) and can start referring to the baby as “he” or “she” instead of just “baby”.  Hubby can start imagining a little better what life is going to be like with this tiny human – to start connecting now.  We can settle on a name.  The list goes on.  Trust me, I definitely know that, logically, the pros definitely outweigh the cons.

But, there is just something in my gut, in the emotional part of my brain, that just isn’t ready to find out yet.  I’m really enjoying pregnancy thus far and there’s a part of me that just LOVES the not knowing.  Delaying the surprise until the big day just feels like the right decision for me.  In my heart I know that it’s the right decision.  I think I would really regret going against such a strong feeling.  I’m making my decision based on my heart instead of my head and it’s confusing me a little bit – normally I’m such a logical decision maker.  Maybe it’s my first mother’s intuition that’s leading me this way?  Aren’t we taught, as girls and women, that our intuition is a powerful and inexplicable thing, and to always follow where it leads you?

I feel horribly that Hubby wants to know so badly and that I’m making him wait.  I want him to be happy too, but we both know that in this case there really is no middle ground – either we find out together, or we wait together.  It’s a yes or no decision – there really is no compromise.  I also know, however, that this is just the beginning.  There will be MANY more (not to mention much more difficult) decisions that we’re going to be faced with in the years to come.  We’ve just begun this journey and the path ahead is a long one.

I know too that there are ways to prepare for the babe’s arrival without finding out the gender:

  • we’ve picked a gender-neutral colour scheme and theme for the nursery that we both love and are excited about.
  • hunting for clothes that will be appropriate for both a boy and a girl is challenging, but not impossible (LOVING soft greys, creams, and auqas – no yellows and greens for this babe!) and it’s actually kind of fun to search for them.
  • even if we knew the gender the “big ticket” purchases such a strollers, etc. would be gender-neutral anyway as we plan on (likely) having more than one babe and we want to be able to get multiple uses out of everything.

Not finding out the gender won’t make us any less prepared.  We’ll still decorate and set up the nursery.  We’ll still buy bottles and diapers.  We’ll still worry and wonder about how our lives will be turned upside down.  We’ll just have another surprise to look forward to on the big day.  Maybe the desire to finally find out will help me during those hardest parts of labour that I’m oh so looking forward to?  Who knows.  All I know is that everybody makes their own decisions for their own reasons, and I’m following my heart on this one.

PS: I’m pretty confident that our babe is a boy.  Like, I’m willing to wager some serious cash on it.  Any takers?

PPS:  I reserve the right to completely change my mind.  Just because I’m feeling this way now doesn’t mean that I won’t do a total 180 at some point and NEED to find out.  Actually, I’m kind of expecting it – which is why this decision was so hard to make.